12 March 2014

I can't express but I can write

"How much do you love me/How far would you go for me?"

I was going to be indignant at first that you would even think to ask me this question. My second reaction was to reflect upon myself and my expressions, or lack thereof, and I do justify your posing this question to me. I admit I am a failure when it comes to showing my feelings; when I am called upon to express any feelings at all perhaps in the form of body language or even verbally, I fail miserably although you can't say I never try. 

I apologise if you've ever thought I didn't care enough. I recall you calling me so cold towards you that you doubt that I ever love you at all. I seem to have played a part on the construction of that conclusion and I am sorry. But this is how I was made by the Hand and this is how I have grown up, it does not call upon to question the parenting skills of who bore me. It does not mean I am incapable of love, it just simply dictates that I find it very hard to express that love, the frivolous nature that exorbitant expressions seem to portray not being the only reason. 

Some people make it a breeze to wear their heart on their sleeves, to express fluently and in depth when requested upon to do so, to deliver their speech with such eloquence that melts another human being but at the same time doesn't seem fake. Well, I can't do that. Period. 

So here I am, this is what I can do. 

If I were to answer your question of how much I actually do love you, I have to start from when we met. I was broken when you found me, wary from my fair share of heartaches but you picked me up all the same. You waited patiently for me to heal caring for me all the while; I know I wouldn't be this strong as I am now without you. You give me so much happiness, so much love, so much of you that I sometimes wonder how you manage to still stand there and throw me that heartfelt smile. 

So I have come to love you, with a ferociousness I have not known before. I can't say you are my first love however, I can say that I needn't look any further for I am ever so content to be by your side. I realise we sometimes have the impromptu unreasonable arguments and heated discussions, but I am not so flake as to make it love you any less. I am most happy when I'm with you no matter what I'm doing; I'm happy if I get to do my reading beside you, your nagging me while I'm reading makes me happier. I not only love you but I adore you completely! You don't know this for I don't recall ever mentioning it to you either verbally or in writing. I apologise here again for my lack of communication. But oh, the zeal you have for life, your ever continuing strive for productivity and, your appetite for adventure. Yet I still have more to add; your cooking skills, your love of music, your jokes, your devotion to God, your love of my reading habit, your kindness, your ability to make best mates of complete strangers and effortlessly unconsciously convince them to dote on you. How could a self-proclaimed perfectionist such as I, tell me, not fall in love and stay fallen for you.

So as to answer your question;

I respect you, and your judgement. I share in your dreams. I want to be the rock you can always come and lay your weary self to rest. With all that I've got and to the best of my capabilities, I want to take away all your worries and pain and make them mine so that you can be as happy and content as you have made me. I want to be the woman behind the successful man that you are on your way to becoming. I would go so far as mould my dreams with yours so that I can be there for you along the way cause I know you need me. I want to build up my life around you beside you for you with you. I want to be there alongside you when you're old and tired just so I can be old and tired with you.

The phrase 'I love you' could not even begin to convey the manner of my emotions reserved under your name. It simply isn't sufficient of a phrase in itself or in subject to you. I thank God in my prayers for giving me you when He did. You're everything I didn't want yet you're everything I do want. With the knowledge that I would be contradicting everything I have stood for in relation to grammar I shall say this to show how much I do love you- I am 'most-happiestest' with you loving me! I don't need riches or diamonds, I am content with being your other half. 

Yours truly x

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