If Only

[Last month, I entered a Poetry Competition organised by my University. I participated just for the love of writing. I don't think I won though since they haven't got back to me yet and the prize giving is supposed to be only in May. So anyway, I guess I'll at least post it here.]

If I could grab the world spinning on its axis,
If I could twist it backwards with all my might,
If only for a desperate grasp to wisp of moments I waived away;
If to cradle those fragile ticks of a clock I thought would last.

But who did prove that time would turn back.
But for a decree not made to stoppage of time,
But ‘twas denied spare trickles of sand though my breath was held for long.
But if only warps and black holes existed, for my holding of the orbits still.

A deafened ear to the earth, a sightless touch of rain-
A wizard's wand, a pixie dust, a shooting star to wish,
A spell or charm, a curse or blessing, an incantation or chant, a wish or prayer,
A phoenix reborn ablaze none renders me, O silent cry of anguish!

Then I sit in the present in a sanctuary of thoughts,
Then now this place it offers a peace to ponder,
Then ever so oft I muse upon - unbroken hazy morns, incessant lazy noons.
Then again does reflection of bygones unlearn the art of procrastination?

The Unconscious Mind

I saw the bus coming towards me just as I was planning to cross the road and unconsciously calculated in my head how fast I have to walk before the bus reaches the area of road I was crossing so as to avoid collision and my ending up in a hospital bed. I used here ‘unconsciously’ because I only realised how efficient the human mind is in calculating after I got to the other side. I thought on about how our mind processes things; it somehow assesses situations unconsciously and gives out logical conclusions still unconsciously, and the most wonderful thing about this process is that it can be performed unconsciously by even the stupidest person! [Whoa, that's three 'unconsciously' in one sentence!] So basically, doesn’t that mean we are all born experts in Statistics? If so, then wouldn’t that be contradictory to the fact that Statistics doesn’t come easy to majority of people and is at most times considered a very tough subject to master. The high pay of Actuaries kind of proves this point.

My train of thought was on a roll; another insight I had was how powerful the unconscious mind actually is! Powerful enough to alter human behaviour as conceived by Freud in his work on psychoanalysis. And the fact that I’d just recently watched the very interesting film adaptation A Dangerous Method fuelled my curiosity for the psychology field of study, so yes I ended up downloading iBooks and audiobooks on it. I’m presently going through them one at a time and they have proved to be interesting reads so far. Hopefully I will be able to answer my own whimsical questions someday in a silent self-conversation so as not to further publicly embarrass myself! 

These self-indulgent musings I had on human’s natural abilities and unconscious powers did not go very far at that moment due to lack of knowledge in said fields but it did interest me enough to make me take action on new learning, so I suppose it was productive in one way. Randomness has a way of seeping into everything in my inconspicuous unassuming life and it doesn't spare my posts either; I realised these few days how everyone is so overly snobbish and was going to write a whole dedicated post about it but then, the reflective habit which the British education system has now seemed to imbibe in me took over. It was a good thing I reflected because of two reasons: first, it discouraged me to write that whole post about it and secondly, it belatedly dawned on me how hypocritical I was being since there is a high probability I would be no different if I walked past myself and saw my face in my off-mood days! Ah great, another revelation of weakness I will need to change ;)

End of Masters

Granted that I’m an energetic person but I didn’t know just how much until this February when I stayed up two nights and two days in a row working on my dissertation, didn’t eat anything the previous night, printed and submitted my work the next day (my twin babies!), danced in a Flashmob for charity, sorted a huge pile of laundry, and still have energy left for some retail therapy alone at City Centre. The hand-in of my Masters course’s final piece of work which I’ve been brooding on for the past few months left me feeling somewhat hollow; I felt free yes, but exchanging those two beautifully bounded copies for a piece of paper (which was my receipt) left me a bit undignified!

That was last month. And now, I am so very happy to admit that results were out last week and by His grace I got a really good one - a Distinction in a Masters course! Praise be to God who blesses me always more than I deserve. I remember the time I was collecting data through my survey and how I had to rope in literally everyone I know around the globe; I did so much networking I felt like I was connecting almost the whole world! I will be forever grateful to all who helped.

On the down side, I have to start looking for a job now which evidently is very hard to get these days with the Euro crisis affecting the job market across Europe. Then again, I have Him and I’ll keep praying.

I know people say this all the time but it really seemed just like yesterday when I first walked into the classroom last year, head full of questions about whether I'm going to like it here or if I'll ever make lifetime friends. Now I know. I did meet so many wonderful people and made such good friends, and I actually do like it here which is going to make it harder for me to leave when I will have to move on. But yes, we all have to close chapters in order to open new ones and frankly, no matter how much I'll miss this place called Sheffield, I can't wait to start a new one.