For grandpa

My grandfather once told me a story about my childhood, I don't remember when it really happened of course but I've kept it in memory ever since his narration of it. So when one of my friends, back in July 2010, motivated me to try and write a children’s story just for fun creativity I sat on my laptop and brought out that story I've stored away for so long I thought I’d already forgotten - in a modified version along with simplified writing style (children’s story) and change of scene and language; the main concept’s original though.

We lost my grandpa to cancer on December 5, 2008 and today, exactly four years after, I pulled out from my archives this little story and dedicate it to memories of him.

Even though my grandfather didn't know much about how to show his love, I know he did love me; he gave me the most loving, understanding and dedicated father a girl could wish for. Miss you gramps...

Curious Little Noni

Once upon a time, there was a sweet little girl called Noni. She was 3 years old and lived with her parents and her grandfather. They were one happy family. She was the only child in their house, and was loved very much by everyone. But she was not spoiled, not at all. She was a very good girl! 

One day, Noni and her grandfather were taking a walk in the garden near their house. The garden was filled with all sorts of plants and colourful flowers. The air was fresh, the sun was warm and it was a lovely day for a fun time.

Then Noni saw one beautiful flower, it was bright yellow in colour and looked as if it was enjoying the bright sunny day too. She walked close to the flower and looked at it carefully. Then she suddenly asked her grandfather, "Grandpa, are flowers alive?" Her grandfather answered, "Yes child, flowers and plants are very much alive. They breathe and grow too." 

Noni was amazed and wanted to know more, so she asked again, "But grandpa, these flowers and plants don't even have faces or noses, how will they breathe?"  Now her grandpa was startled at her little granddaughter and her questions. He thought happily to himself, "What weird questions and ideas Noni comes up with, such a clever little girl." 

Then he told Noni, "Yes, that's true. These flowers and plants do not have faces. But they breathe through many little noses which are on the leaves! But we can't see these little noses because they are very small." Noni was wide-eyed with fascination. 

It was late and getting dark. So she bid goodbye to the beautiful flower and they went inside. During dinner, little Noni told her parents about her day at the garden, what she saw, what she learned, and how much fun she had with grandpa. 

When dinner was over, little Noni helped her mother clear the table. She felt very important she could be of assistance. 

Since Noni had a fun and full day, she soon got drowsy and gave a wide ‘yawn’. Daddy read little Noni a bedtime-story and she went to sleep peacefully, looking forward to her day tomorrow.

The End.

A day in October

From the windows I saw her,
On a rare, clear blue sunny day.
Vapours condensed where lashes touched;
Pouring from the windows of her soul.

From the pain of his selfish act,
On a rare, clear blue sunny day;
Grief of her heart materialised to transparent tears,
Drenching her cheeks clutched by wet hands.

And then, the skies, they joined in.

Love

Love. Baffling, no? Divine love of God - simple and pure, so easy to understand once He helps you grasp the concept and truth. But when it comes to humanly love, be it between a mother and her child, a father and his son, a guy and a girl, between sisters, brothers, it does get messy sometimes one point or the other in everyone’s lives. When you’re a kid, you have dreams that someday you’ll fall in love and have a magical relationship, or like me you might have had a totally different dream (which need not be revealed). But then ok, so I admit the whole love thing wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, what with all the butterflies and goose bumps not to mention those feelings of small-doses-of-adrenaline-shot-into-you-making-your-head-spin-and-prevent-you-from-trying-to-stop-grinning. We all know what happens after, it’s so clear it automatically spells itself out, H-U-R-T. 

Fortunately, or not for some, I’m not planning to talk about relationships and the related topics of what you should do or not do, what makes him/her smile. Blog-posts on the subjects of dating, emotions, relationships rules, flirting, are already ubiquitous in the blogging world as it is. 

Rather, what intrigues me is exactly how love affects us human beings (with superior brains and opposable thumbs, to be exact). It has been proved in previous researches that it involves all the physiognomies, behavioural influences and general nuances of substance abuse, i.e., love addiction. Love passion, though it offers much pleasure and oestrogen-infused goggle eyes, proves a constant neighbour to much pain every so often (Gibson, 2010). Curiously enough, love passion is not being acknowledged as a clinical disorder in modern medical sciences (Reynaud, et al., 2010). Be that as it may, it can’t be denied that human beings fall in love over and over again only to get hurt again and again. The question would be ‘why’ we continue to do so, i.e., fall in love in spite of the looming risk of hurt. I have three theories here; two borrowed. 

The borrowed: The first theory is that we fall in love to fill the gap in our personality, i.e., we may be attracted to others who seem exceptionally strong in an area where we are weak. This resonates with the much used phrase, ‘Opposites attract.’ As it is, human beings do not have only one weakness and even if we overcome one of those weaknesses, many others remain which would let us to be attracted to people who exude the contrary. The second theory is related to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (Maslow, 1943). Despite the presence of criticisms of Maslow’s Hierarchy, the Needs – physiological, safety, belonging, esteem, and self-actualisation – causes motivation and trigger the brain’s reward system when that motivation is achieved. Case in point, the need to find love and feel fulfilled by that other person’s presence in one’s life. 

My theory: While watching the movie A Dangerous Method by David Cronenberg, one quote by Sabina Spielrein (played by Keira Knightley) caught my attention, ‘Only the clash of destructive forces can create something new.’ Now I know that opposites can attract, but according to me ‘destructive forces’ here refer to more than just opposite personalities. Two people can have same personalities and tastes, have so much in common, both very positive person or vice versa and still be destructive forces. In other words, to be two destructive forces, the need to be different or opposite or contradictory is not a prerequisite. Referring to the need to ‘clash’, as humans, we are easily bored; it may or may not have been academically proved but I know it. The need to feel something new, i.e., new love (since we’re on the subject of love), is fed by clashes between two people (with destructive forces each). Although love may have already been experienced, the need to create something new escalates again and again, giving rise to a cycle of clashes between destructive forces. Now of course I’m not referring to clashes between two new people all the time, the clashes could be between the same two people but with different destructive forces which could have been pre-possessed or newly minted!

Love passion followed by hurt and then love passion again is a vicious cycle which most of the time is unavoidable, but then the hurt is also ‘something new’ that contributes to making us feel alive, no?

References:

Gibson, J., 2010. Addicted to Love. [Online] 

Available at: http://brainblogger.com/2010/08/22/addicted-to-love/

[Accessed 24 September 2012].

Maslow, A., 1943. A Theory of Human Motivation. Psychological Review, Volume 50, pp. 370-396.

Reynaud, M., Karila, L., Blecha, L. & Benyamina, A., 2010. Is love passion an addictive disorder?. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 36(5), pp. 261-7.

If Only

[Last month, I entered a Poetry Competition organised by my University. I participated just for the love of writing. I don't think I won though since they haven't got back to me yet and the prize giving is supposed to be only in May. So anyway, I guess I'll at least post it here.]

If I could grab the world spinning on its axis,
If I could twist it backwards with all my might,
If only for a desperate grasp to wisp of moments I waived away;
If to cradle those fragile ticks of a clock I thought would last.

But who did prove that time would turn back.
But for a decree not made to stoppage of time,
But ‘twas denied spare trickles of sand though my breath was held for long.
But if only warps and black holes existed, for my holding of the orbits still.

A deafened ear to the earth, a sightless touch of rain-
A wizard's wand, a pixie dust, a shooting star to wish,
A spell or charm, a curse or blessing, an incantation or chant, a wish or prayer,
A phoenix reborn ablaze none renders me, O silent cry of anguish!

Then I sit in the present in a sanctuary of thoughts,
Then now this place it offers a peace to ponder,
Then ever so oft I muse upon - unbroken hazy morns, incessant lazy noons.
Then again does reflection of bygones unlearn the art of procrastination?

The Unconscious Mind

I saw the bus coming towards me just as I was planning to cross the road and unconsciously calculated in my head how fast I have to walk before the bus reaches the area of road I was crossing so as to avoid collision and my ending up in a hospital bed. I used here ‘unconsciously’ because I only realised how efficient the human mind is in calculating after I got to the other side. I thought on about how our mind processes things; it somehow assesses situations unconsciously and gives out logical conclusions still unconsciously, and the most wonderful thing about this process is that it can be performed unconsciously by even the stupidest person! [Whoa, that's three 'unconsciously' in one sentence!] So basically, doesn’t that mean we are all born experts in Statistics? If so, then wouldn’t that be contradictory to the fact that Statistics doesn’t come easy to majority of people and is at most times considered a very tough subject to master. The high pay of Actuaries kind of proves this point.

My train of thought was on a roll; another insight I had was how powerful the unconscious mind actually is! Powerful enough to alter human behaviour as conceived by Freud in his work on psychoanalysis. And the fact that I’d just recently watched the very interesting film adaptation A Dangerous Method fuelled my curiosity for the psychology field of study, so yes I ended up downloading iBooks and audiobooks on it. I’m presently going through them one at a time and they have proved to be interesting reads so far. Hopefully I will be able to answer my own whimsical questions someday in a silent self-conversation so as not to further publicly embarrass myself! 

These self-indulgent musings I had on human’s natural abilities and unconscious powers did not go very far at that moment due to lack of knowledge in said fields but it did interest me enough to make me take action on new learning, so I suppose it was productive in one way. Randomness has a way of seeping into everything in my inconspicuous unassuming life and it doesn't spare my posts either; I realised these few days how everyone is so overly snobbish and was going to write a whole dedicated post about it but then, the reflective habit which the British education system has now seemed to imbibe in me took over. It was a good thing I reflected because of two reasons: first, it discouraged me to write that whole post about it and secondly, it belatedly dawned on me how hypocritical I was being since there is a high probability I would be no different if I walked past myself and saw my face in my off-mood days! Ah great, another revelation of weakness I will need to change ;)

End of Masters

Granted that I’m an energetic person but I didn’t know just how much until this February when I stayed up two nights and two days in a row working on my dissertation, didn’t eat anything the previous night, printed and submitted my work the next day (my twin babies!), danced in a Flashmob for charity, sorted a huge pile of laundry, and still have energy left for some retail therapy alone at City Centre. The hand-in of my Masters course’s final piece of work which I’ve been brooding on for the past few months left me feeling somewhat hollow; I felt free yes, but exchanging those two beautifully bounded copies for a piece of paper (which was my receipt) left me a bit undignified!

That was last month. And now, I am so very happy to admit that results were out last week and by His grace I got a really good one - a Distinction in a Masters course! Praise be to God who blesses me always more than I deserve. I remember the time I was collecting data through my survey and how I had to rope in literally everyone I know around the globe; I did so much networking I felt like I was connecting almost the whole world! I will be forever grateful to all who helped.

On the down side, I have to start looking for a job now which evidently is very hard to get these days with the Euro crisis affecting the job market across Europe. Then again, I have Him and I’ll keep praying.

I know people say this all the time but it really seemed just like yesterday when I first walked into the classroom last year, head full of questions about whether I'm going to like it here or if I'll ever make lifetime friends. Now I know. I did meet so many wonderful people and made such good friends, and I actually do like it here which is going to make it harder for me to leave when I will have to move on. But yes, we all have to close chapters in order to open new ones and frankly, no matter how much I'll miss this place called Sheffield, I can't wait to start a new one.

Some Notable Takes of My Winter in 2011-2012

[For the direct yet subtle way he hinted and nudged me towards my composing extended proses, I dedicate this (disclosed) piece to B, who has nothing to do with the content though.]

I recall it to be about a week before Christmas of 2011; I was in the student union’s building for a meeting and as I was walking out I saw this Christmas tree at the atrium decorated with what looked like small square flat shiny papers. I thought it was quite creative so I detoured to have a closer look, but those ‘shiny papers’ turned out to be condom sachets in different coloured wrappers according to their various flavours and types. And the icing on the cake was a sign that read ‘Feel free to take one. Have a safe holiday!’ I seriously didn’t know which of the elements should be my first attention! Alright that’s not completely true; the irony of the whole display shouted out to me. Although I felt a bit undignified about the fact that the concept of Christmas - the commemoration of the birth of Jesus Christ who, in Christian belief, saved the world from sins – being misconstrued into a propaganda to promote ‘safe sex’ during that same Christmas holiday, I walked off musing about how modernism could get it really stupidly wrong sometimes.

Just two days before Christmas day, I was walking as fast as I could in the chilly wind grabbing my coat tighter around me to get home before the sky grew completely dark. This is one thing I hate about winters; the days are just so blindingly short! I was still about four houses away from mine when I walked past a group of people (I think they were all British from what I could see of them in the dark) singing carols by one of the houses. They all looked so happy and most of all, I felt warm just watching them stay in the cold and still enjoying the singing. I stopped for a bit to listen to them sing and you know something, as I stood there foolishly smiling by myself I realised it somewhat restored in me pieces of faith in people. That simple scene sort of gave me assurance that not everyone would risk ignorance just for the sake of appearing contemporarily modern.

My Christmas and New Year holidays, spent with friends in Birmingham, passed by in a blur of happy moments, tiring shopping trips, quick assignment getaways, a mix of pain and laughs induced by ice-skating, pool, bowling and Monopoly, worship days, fun tummy-over-filling KFC nights and finally, sad farewells. This was the first Christmas holiday my sister and I didn’t go home, due to the distances that now exist between home and our respective places of study. So that leaves just mom, dad, lil’ brother and not-so-lil’ cousin brother at home; I know my family missed me especially my mom and I missed them too, so very much. But then again, I’ve learned to live with this can’t-be-at-home thing a long time back when I realised I don’t really like living in my hometown and can’t stand it after less than a week of going home; I last about four days tops. It has nothing to do with people or whatever, it’s just a personal preference for wanderlust.

After the last and saddest farewell I grudgingly walked to my platform where the train was, as I found out too late, delayed. I stepped into my room probably around 22:30 on 3 Jan, 2012. I felt so horribly lonely I thought watching a movie based on one of my favourite comic characters would cheer me up a bit, so after a long shower I snuggled into bed and watched ‘Green Lantern.’ Oh my gosh, how could they ruin such an awesome already famous character with such a horrendous movie! It did NOT live up to my expectation at all, on the contrary the movie bumped down the rank of Green Lantern on my favourite comic characters list :/ The only decent thing I took from the whole experience was how cool it would be if I were a real fighter pilot, no??

Weeks of numbing cold went by and the weather finally gave my part of the country proper snow on 4 Feb, 2012 and I went berserk about it since a winter without snow is boring! In the midst of my housemate laughing at me, I made a footprint graveyard on our front lawn, left a watery mess on our kitchen floor, walked a quarter of a mile in the snow to get KFC just cause we were hungry (never did this when the skies were clear), trained in snowball-throwing by aiming at the wall, slept in the snow to make a snow-angel and excited my housemate enough to make her sleep in the snow with me. Good times. 

So now, last week of Feb, as the weather’s warming up and hovering between 5 – 9 degrees (in Celsius), I just thought I’d write this much-needed yet long-pending post reviewing briefly the few highlights of my first winter in UK.

I Hate Politics & War

[My hatred for war and the manipulation of men as a means to fuel it expressed in a few lines]


Today be the day you leave this peace,
For a foreign land, a different timezone.
There they practice the art of guns and war,
With politics and vanity for deep roots.
Anger I hurl, with grief I overflow, understanding I lack
Of why good men must get caught in the crossfire.