For Kuz

Congratulations little sister! Today you become a woman, an adult, a mature professional. The world should applaud you and consider themselves lucky they'll get to have you as you graduate with accolades; out of the cocoon of education into the real world. I've been here longer than you and I'm not going to sweeten the truth: the world can be hard, cruel, unkind and misunderstanding of your needs, you desires to succeed and the efforts you have put in. But when I think back of the time you trotted behind me everywhere I go at 2 years young, me trying to shake you off but you never getting disheartened as you stubbornly just follow me around anyway, I'm not worried about you as I look on you striding confidently across that stage, I'm just so so proud of the person you've become and I'm happy I get to be your big sister. You've come a long way my baby sister, and now all I see as you receive that hard earned diploma is a strong beautiful lady who's ready to take on more challenges and trump them. With the confidence you always have, faith in God held close, and knowing you have a wonderful family behind you as always, I hope you go forth and conquer it all. Believe in your dreams but never underestimate detours are a necessity, keep your morals true but don't be so hard on yourself, and if you ever find yourself in a dark cloud remember there's always a silver lining - you just have to look. And above all else, put God first. I love you Kuz. Your big sister.

He knelt three times

A hat-trick, they say, three's a lucky number. 

And here we are at a milestone and oner;

An anniversary of the first time you got down on your knees, and sealed it with a kiss. 

I realise we were foolish and delinquent

If only by the slightest but truely quaint. 

I'm glad I made the decision I made for I now am here to have made another decision when you knelt before me the second time round.

You are simultaneously loved and hated. 

You do love and hate me simultaneoulsy, granted.  

You are, I am convinced however, true to heart when you held my hand and knelt the third time before God and me. 

That last decision was already made for me; it was out of my hands.

Musings of a half-conscious brain

So this is what utter mental exhaustion feels like.

I feel so drained right now I can no longer see myself get up for this drudgery work tomorrow morning; pushing myself off of bed to drag myself to this cold seclusive box of an office where I will type away my precious hours and overwork my brain for someone else's pocketful of coins - this rewardless unsatisfying so called managerial job blessed with an ingratitude of the provider.

Some might see food, or beaches, or spa. All I see now in my head as I sit grimly among tube commuters, slightly light-headed from the mental stretch, is me laying fully clothed on my unmade cornered single not-so-comfortable bed. 

I need to be unprovoked for just a few moments please if that's not too much to ask. From anyone. Darkness and numbness are going to be my friends for a while while I recuperate. 

I can't express but I can write

"How much do you love me/How far would you go for me?"

I was going to be indignant at first that you would even think to ask me this question. My second reaction was to reflect upon myself and my expressions, or lack thereof, and I do justify your posing this question to me. I admit I am a failure when it comes to showing my feelings; when I am called upon to express any feelings at all perhaps in the form of body language or even verbally, I fail miserably although you can't say I never try. 

I apologise if you've ever thought I didn't care enough. I recall you calling me so cold towards you that you doubt that I ever love you at all. I seem to have played a part on the construction of that conclusion and I am sorry. But this is how I was made by the Hand and this is how I have grown up, it does not call upon to question the parenting skills of who bore me. It does not mean I am incapable of love, it just simply dictates that I find it very hard to express that love, the frivolous nature that exorbitant expressions seem to portray not being the only reason. 

Some people make it a breeze to wear their heart on their sleeves, to express fluently and in depth when requested upon to do so, to deliver their speech with such eloquence that melts another human being but at the same time doesn't seem fake. Well, I can't do that. Period. 

So here I am, this is what I can do. 

If I were to answer your question of how much I actually do love you, I have to start from when we met. I was broken when you found me, wary from my fair share of heartaches but you picked me up all the same. You waited patiently for me to heal caring for me all the while; I know I wouldn't be this strong as I am now without you. You give me so much happiness, so much love, so much of you that I sometimes wonder how you manage to still stand there and throw me that heartfelt smile. 

So I have come to love you, with a ferociousness I have not known before. I can't say you are my first love however, I can say that I needn't look any further for I am ever so content to be by your side. I realise we sometimes have the impromptu unreasonable arguments and heated discussions, but I am not so flake as to make it love you any less. I am most happy when I'm with you no matter what I'm doing; I'm happy if I get to do my reading beside you, your nagging me while I'm reading makes me happier. I not only love you but I adore you completely! You don't know this for I don't recall ever mentioning it to you either verbally or in writing. I apologise here again for my lack of communication. But oh, the zeal you have for life, your ever continuing strive for productivity and, your appetite for adventure. Yet I still have more to add; your cooking skills, your love of music, your jokes, your devotion to God, your love of my reading habit, your kindness, your ability to make best mates of complete strangers and effortlessly unconsciously convince them to dote on you. How could a self-proclaimed perfectionist such as I, tell me, not fall in love and stay fallen for you.

So as to answer your question;

I respect you, and your judgement. I share in your dreams. I want to be the rock you can always come and lay your weary self to rest. With all that I've got and to the best of my capabilities, I want to take away all your worries and pain and make them mine so that you can be as happy and content as you have made me. I want to be the woman behind the successful man that you are on your way to becoming. I would go so far as mould my dreams with yours so that I can be there for you along the way cause I know you need me. I want to build up my life around you beside you for you with you. I want to be there alongside you when you're old and tired just so I can be old and tired with you.

The phrase 'I love you' could not even begin to convey the manner of my emotions reserved under your name. It simply isn't sufficient of a phrase in itself or in subject to you. I thank God in my prayers for giving me you when He did. You're everything I didn't want yet you're everything I do want. With the knowledge that I would be contradicting everything I have stood for in relation to grammar I shall say this to show how much I do love you- I am 'most-happiestest' with you loving me! I don't need riches or diamonds, I am content with being your other half. 

Yours truly x

Happy birthday Daddy

You've been there for me since I was born and held me in your arms. Maybe you hadn't matured enough at that time, or maybe you had dreams you wanted to fulfil first, or maybe you wanted mom by yourself for a few more years before I peekabooed into this world. But you handled my presence the best you could, you gave me everything a dad could ever give to his little girl. 

You're not much of a talker, which by the way you're infamous for, nor an expressive guy but I know you love me. I always knew you love me from the little things you do like pretend not to be interested in whom I date or the big sacrifices you make for me so that I could fulfil my own stubborn dreams. I still remember that dinner conversation we had at the restaurant after I finished high school; I was being my stubborn self and claiming to know what I wanted to study while you patiently understandingly tried to guide my path by reasoning my choices. But I wouldn't budge so you agreed for me to do my own thing and supported me throughout even though it wasn't what you would've chosen for me. 

There are times I reflected on that conversation and part of me wished I had listened to you. But all's done is done and I am here; a bit wiser now but still a long way to go. 

Because of you I grew up to be strong, independent in my ways, with a tinge of stubbornness (wonder whom I got that from?) You showered me with enough luxury to make me feel special but restrained me to an extent to teach me how to stand up on my own. You might not recall teaching me so many life lessons but you never needed to, I learned from watching you; your quiet demeanour, your strong presence, your etiquette perfection, your few words of lasting effects, your competitiveness, your work integrity, and the rock you always are through all the burdens you have had to carry. 

In the eyes of the world, I am considered a grown-up. But I know I'm still a little girl in your eyes, and I know I can still run to you when I hurt myself and you would always embrace me. 

I love you daddy, happy birthday.